Fitting in
Do you ever get the feeling that you don’t fit in? The feeling that while life is going on all around you, you are somehow seperate from it. Somehow you are not actually a part of it. That is what most of my life has felt like. For some reason, it has always felt like there was this disconnectedness between me and everybody else. I tried to fit in. I tried to be normal, whatever that means, but for some reason it never seemed to work. And it is not so much that I was that much different than other people, cause I wasn’t, but it was more the idea that as you get older and start meeting more and more people you start noticing positive qualities in others and noticing the positive things others have to offer. And as I became more and more aware of these positive qualitites in others, I became more and more aware of the fact that I felt like I lacked these qualities. Only it wasn’t so much that I lacked these qualitites, but more that I just didn’t hold myself in the same regard, and had doubts on whether or not somebody else would look at me in this light. It was this feeling that no matter what I did, I was never going to fit in. It was like life came so easy and natural to everybody around me, but it never felt that way to me. And I would tell myself not to worry about it, and I would tell myself that this feeling wouldn’t last forever, but it is as if that feeling never really went away. For years and years I would rack my brain, trying to figure out why I had this feeling, and why it never got any better, until finally I got sick of thinking about it and sick of worrying about it and settled on the idea that maybe it is just me.